Blogphen

Well, if there’s one thing that’s giving me a lot of happiness ATM it’s work. Bizarrely enough, now I’m actually working in the industry I’m getting a degree in, I’m becoming more and more convinced it’s where I want to be. Strangely I seem to enjoy setting up machines, reinstalling XP, setting up wireless access points, ADSL modems, pissing about with a load of SDSL stuff which randomly stopped working (despite having zero experience with ADSL and even less with SDSL!) and basically everything.

Despite the fact that I’ve done nothing but going backwards, forwards, up, down, left and right, I’m convinced it’s where I want to be.

In other news, I got my own name badge today! I couldn’t help but think “ooh, now I’m a real authentic nameless employee!” 

So, I went to the GP on Monday to get a problem with the hearing and pain in my right ear sorted out. I also mentioned I’ve been feeling depressed again and he told me he was going to put me on anti-depressants.

Now, fair enough you might be thinking. Anti-depressants, brilliant. I’ll be happy again, yay. Not quite.

Firstly, I’m quite pissed off at how easy it seems to have got hold of these things. It feels like I just asked and I was given, surely doctors shouldn’t do that? My entire point of mentioning the depression was in hope that he’d attempt to find out the cause of the issue, not to solve the symptom short-term. It’s a bit like complaining of a skin rash caused by an allergy to be given a cream to make the rash go down without ever acknowledging that the allergy ever existed. What continued to surprise me was the way he said if I need any more whilst I’m in Nottingham for Christmas, to visit any chemist, take the box and a note and they should just hand them over. Errrrm…

Secondly, I don’t like the idea of having to take pills to make me something I’m evidently not. In reading up about Citalopram, I found a forum where some people are discussing the drug and one comment  (”I have increased my dose again and now start to feel the person i want to be again“) actually shocked me. I really don’t want to be that - I don’t want to be controlled by drugs. I sometimes forget to take them every now and then. Routines don’t suit me…

Granted, the anti-depressants would probably help me no end. I’m told they take a couple of weeks of taking them before I notice any difference, but given as I’ve got a week and a half left at uni before I go home, go on holiday, go to the party, etc, is there really much point?

I’m finding this Christmas much easier than the last. As I write I’m six days away from having spent an entire year without self-harming. Not once have I picked up a blade and sliced myself since Dec 11th 2006. OK, it’s not been easy (for the most part it’s been bloody hard, especially over the past couple of months) but I think it’s something I can focus on, an anniversary which is positive and something to look forward to. I just need to make it 2 years then! Hence, I don’t think anti-depressants are that useful in this situation.

The other option, of course, is counselling. I did try that at the beginning of this year (January-April) and started to feel good by the end of it. However, I didn’t find the sessions that useful; in fact I found them very awkward and stressful. Though I think what was making me feel better was the fact that it was turning into Summer, the days were getting longer, brighter and warmer. It’s things like this which make me wonder if I suffer from some form of Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD). I know self-diagnoses aren’t good and are probably quite inaccurate but given how I seem to be getting quite depressed around Christmas, it surely could be something related?

See, this is why I’m annoyed that the GP just stuck me on these pills without considering anything else. I’m very tempted to make an appointment next week when I have the time and discuss the merit of taking them. Given my disappointment with the entire situation, I’ve yet to start on the course of drugs so going ‘cold turkey’ off them isn’t a problem to worry about. What IS a worry, however, is the published list of side effects. Most of them are quite rare but there’s a significant number of side effects in the “very common” and “frequent” sections such as nausea, eyesight issues, loss of sleep (it’s bad enough as it is), diarrhoea, etc, etc, etc. Significantly enough to concern me at least.

I was chatting to a good friend of mine who studies Chemistry (I think!) and comes into contact with these drugs on a regular basis. She was explaining that SAD is due to a lack of serotonin in the brain (though some theories think it could be melotonin) and hence the anti-depressants would do me some good - Citalopram is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and would somehow increase the flow of serotonin to the right parts of my brain.

But then this links straight back round to my original argument. I don’t want to be on drugs to solve the symptom, I want (or at least would like) someone to medically recognise my condition and make a reasoned decision based upon that about drugs to give me, if it so happens I need medication to manage my condition. I can theorise all I like about this here, but it needs discussing with a medical professional.

I’m hoping this is a reasoned argument. Perhaps it’s quite biased one way or the other, perhaps someone needs to tell me to shut up and just obediently take the drugs, I don’t know.

Either way, I’ve got work now so I’m going!

Ugh, can’t sleep. So I’m going to have a good moan instead.

1. Why’s it always me who gets the short straw?For example, jobs are full of people (dare I say chavs?) who don’t want to be there, who hate working and who put 0% effort in to their work. So when someone like me comes along who’s looking for a job and is willing to put in 100% effort, I get turned down on the grounds that I’m not what they’re looking for, that I didn’t fill in their stupid psych test correctly and that I’m not going to be worth employing…

   Another example. I have to go down to Swansea in a few days’ time to resit two of the modules I took this year. Annoyingly enough I only failed one by 3% and the other by 5%. So, of course, being below the pass grade, I have to resit. However, what really pisses me off is the way some people got a lower grade than me and don’t have to resit. For example, one of the people on the course did fuck all work this year, decided half way through that they’d overdose and got their results on a platter because of extenuating circumstances. They’re not the only ones who’ve been through shit this past year but nobody’s letting me off anything. Now, I’m not saying I want to go crying to the exam board but it’s just bloody unfair…

2. Me. I’m just as ugly, as horrendous and even more bruised, battered and scarred than before. I can’t even wear shorts any more for fear of how I look… Still just as insecure and fed up as always…
3. Nottingham. Just can’t wait to be back in Swansea - getting absolutely fed up with parents and the way I’m still treated like a 5 year old despite being nearly 20 now…

Bleh… </rant>

Right, I’m back online and back with it.

Spent a lot of time with this down after my server had a catastrophic failure. Managed to recover all the data, just been biding my time until I could get something set up again. Having finally installed Ubuntu on my old 400MHz machine, whose hardware is horrendously unstable, I’ve managed to get this back up again! Just spent about 2 hours getting stressed at MySQL and phpMyAdmin wondering why it refused to work. [1]

So, not a huge amount has happened lately - been a lot more positive despite the circumstances (being back home, getting stressed at overprotective, overcontrolling parents). I’ve managed to completely fail to get myself employed - I seem to be completely unable to pass the ‘psych’ test thing which asks what kind of a person you are. I’ve told this to people who all say things like ‘well you need to sound outgoing’ and ‘why not just lie?’ and ‘be honest’…! I’ve tried all sorts, nobody’ll employ me

Speaking of not passing tests, I failed two modules of my CompSci course which I’ve got to resit on w/b 20th. Not going to be much fun - not only are they exams but I’ll have to spend 5 days in Swansea in a house with no Internet access, probably no phone, no TV, etc, etc.

Still, I *really* need to pass these - the last thing I need is to resit the whole year. I need 40% across the board (which conflicts with what we’ve been told by tutors and heads of department) and in the two I failed got 27% and 35%. Going to need a fair bit of revision in the former - I took that in January and isn’t as fresh in my mind. Probably going to take a lot of understanding I didn’t have before either.

Still, I am feeling quite positive about going back in September. My housemates may not be the easiest people in the world to get along with (they go hand in hand with the pranks they pull) and I reckon arguments will happen about various things but I still think it’ll be a lot more relaxed than living in halls. They’re also quite quiet, which is the thing that pissed me off about living in Hendrefoelan. Also a lot closer to the city which means I won’t have to spend countless hours on buses backwards and forwards. I’m considering if it’ll be worth buying a bus pass, but given the financial situation I’ve got into with too much partying at the end of the year combined with a lack of income, I won’t have enough. I’m very much considering taking a bike down with me, but I know what Swansea weather’s like and I can’t imagine cycling through the pissing rain’s much fun. I’ve also not cycled for years and I’m not overly confident on 2 wheels. Mind you, if I stick to the pavements (I know, I know!) I ought to build that confidence up quite quickly.

That’s all for now. It’s late, I’m tired, I want to finish HP7 and I will update soon enough

[1] If you’re trying to back up a MySQL database using the flat files saved from /var/lib/mysql or wherever, you’ll find that by dragging them back into that directory on the new server renders them read-only. The best workaround for this is to make a backup of the table you’re having issues with (see this page) and restore the backup. When MySQL can write its own stuff to the disk, it seems happy! NB: Google’s useless on this front for how to help.

Is it wrong to cry over a newsgroup?

For those of you who don’t know the inner workings of what used to be NTL (UK Internet service provider and telco), the ISP branch of the company ran for many years Usenet servers with local newsgroups in the ntl.* hierarchy. One of those groups was ntl.talk, in which was a tight, close-knit community whose members (for the most part!) got on famously.

As Lethe puts it:

We’ve seen many a young man and woman come in here Khyle - sometimes with more of a bang than a whimper - to talk computers, contribute to whatever was of interest here, groan about the rigours of school and family and, with deepening interest and seriousness, enter the demanding world of higher education. It has been our privilege to listen and advise when asked, to be affectionately amused and to hear about the first experiences of sometimes daunting places of work . We thank you Khyle for sharing such key aspects of your life with us.

Now, NTL recently re-branded as Virgin Media (having purchased Virgin Mobile and Telewest/Blueyonder) and have railroaded through two communities, trying to amalgamate the two, on Blueyonder’s terms. It may seem childish, but us ex-NTL weren’t overly happy with that decision.

Today, however, Virgin Media decided to shut down ntl.talk for good. Just a quick notice (which they got wrong, they were in such a hurry to get rid of us) and then made it completely read-only. This place has been such a source of inspiration for me amongst other things that’ve gone on in my life and it was just so saddening to see it (essentially) gone for good, I couldn’t help but have a quick weep.

In other news, I’d like to apologise for the lack of updates. Those of you who know me will know I’ve been seeing a counsellor lately. It’s been one helluvan uphill struggle but things seem to be improving for me. I’d rather not go in to explicit detail here (there are still some odd ends to tie up) but perhaps in time.

Since coming back to Uni, I actually for the first time feel able to smile and bounce up stairs (though depending on how little sleep I get!!). It’s been spurred on not only by finding ways to actually chat to flatmates (I managed to get involved in a vicious circle with people without being able to talk about it) but also the prospect that I actually have a future here - the time it took us to get a house next year was nagging in the back of my mind for months - there was a period where I was considering purposefully failing the first year so I didn’t have to worry about anything.

There’s now only 2 and a half weeks before I’m back home. Whilst I know I’m not meant to think in those sorts of terms, I just can’t wait as it’ll be a chance to relax! This term we’ve been absolutely bombarded with coursework - I had 2 deadlines Monday, 1 today and another 2 on Friday. We had 3 last week and although there aren’t any deadlines next week, our lecturers have said some will be given out (to be in during the last week!). Not fun!

Other than that, there’s not been a huge amount happening. Went home twice this term (I needed it with what I’ve been going through) and went to see Shell and Karl the weekend before last for a nice geeky weekend with some London Geocaching! Off to see steev (Pluto..nium) the weekend after next - no idea what’ll happen but should be good anyway! Just got to figure out how to get up there (and when!) and if I can sort of cheat and use my bus pass all the way to Carmarthen instead of just within Swansea!

Anyway, someone prod me when it’s updating time next!

Hyphen

For a while now I’ve been wanting to write this while I’m up.

I’m not going to linger on the contents of my previous post too much - even though I haven’t blogged the more recent events, I’d consider Monday the 13th Dec a semi-major turning point in my life. On the Tuesday of that week I found myself in Singleton Hospital in Swansea getting 15 stitches. On the Wednesday I found myself in Morriston Hospital speaking to a psychiatric nurse. Overall, I feel let down by the NHS - they’re relatively happy to fix the issues on the surface but when it comes to what’s underneath, I keep getting passed about as if nobody really wants the responsibility.

I have been considering dropping out of university. I’m not entirely convinced it’s not for me. However, the hassle I’d have to go through to do that makes me wonder if it’s just easier to stick with it. People have been pissing me off to the extreme there but I’m hoping I might be able to talk to people to get it sorted out.

So far this Christmas holiday has been good - I spent some time at Colin’s to get me away from Swansea, which really helped. Then came the ntl.talk party which was generally fantastic. When I got back to Nottingham I met up with Shell and Karl, went to the pub and had a good day out with them.

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure what to say. I’m trying not to linger on the past (the events of last week have made me want to stop mutilating) whilst trying to look positive for the future.

Khyle.

…

…

Ugh.

Blah, this video and I have too much in common…:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2xIEXpA3UY

Proper update later.

Well that was an interesting twist I wasn’t expecting.

I got off the train and caught an early bus home. When I got back, one of my flatmates told me that Emily had intentions to leave this coming Thursday.

Now, that’s thrown me a bit. The reason I discussed her in my previous post was because I had plans to ask her out in the coming week. We had to catch the same train from Swansea to Newport to change to our respective services. However, I got positive vibes from her when she decided not to take the direct train but catch a train with me as far as Bristol and change there (if she hadn’t, she’d never have made it home). So, I was planning to say something this coming week and I’d spent the weekend thinking about her. She also caught up with me to catch the same bus to the station despite her saying she’d be catching a later one.
However, it has transpired that she’d spoken to one of her flatmates (she lives in the flat opposite) on the Friday telling him that she’d planned to leave.

What Emily failed to tell me was her plans to leave. Despite the fact that we spent half an hour on the same bus, an hour chatting on the same Arriva train and about another 30-45 mins on the First train to Bristol, she didn’t utter a word of it. So of course, when I was in London, I was relatively uncontactable (didn’t even have my mobile on me half the time) and as a result, didn’t have a clue.

It just seems bizarre that I spend my train journey with her after she’s made her mind up and she didn’t even tell me.

She’s leaving on Thursday. I don’t really want to impose on her but I think at some point when she’s back here I’m going to have to ask her if, had I struck up the courage to ask, she’d have gone out with me.

I really don’t know what else is worth writing, to be honest. You can probably tell my mind is very fragmented (geeky term) at the moment by the number of blank lines, jumping about from topic to topic. Doesn’t help that I’ve decided to hit the bottle. Mind you, some might argue that it’s better than redlining.

I ought to go to bed within the next -88 minutes because I need to be up for 9am lectures at 0730.

Not that I’ve done any of the work for it, not that I can really be arsed to attend. I will attend but I’m still not doing the maths homework…