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So, I went to the GP on Monday to get a problem with the hearing and pain in my right ear sorted out. I also mentioned I’ve been feeling depressed again and he told me he was going to put me on anti-depressants.
Now, fair enough you might be thinking. Anti-depressants, brilliant. I’ll be happy again, yay. Not quite.
Firstly, I’m quite pissed off at how easy it seems to have got hold of these things. It feels like I just asked and I was given, surely doctors shouldn’t do that? My entire point of mentioning the depression was in hope that he’d attempt to find out the cause of the issue, not to solve the symptom short-term. It’s a bit like complaining of a skin rash caused by an allergy to be given a cream to make the rash go down without ever acknowledging that the allergy ever existed. What continued to surprise me was the way he said if I need any more whilst I’m in Nottingham for Christmas, to visit any chemist, take the box and a note and they should just hand them over. Errrrm…
Secondly, I don’t like the idea of having to take pills to make me something I’m evidently not. In reading up about Citalopram, I found a forum where some people are discussing the drug and one comment (”I have increased my dose again and now start to feel the person i want to be again“) actually shocked me. I really don’t want to be that - I don’t want to be controlled by drugs. I sometimes forget to take them every now and then. Routines don’t suit me…
Granted, the anti-depressants would probably help me no end. I’m told they take a couple of weeks of taking them before I notice any difference, but given as I’ve got a week and a half left at uni before I go home, go on holiday, go to the party, etc, is there really much point?
I’m finding this Christmas much easier than the last. As I write I’m six days away from having spent an entire year without self-harming. Not once have I picked up a blade and sliced myself since Dec 11th 2006. OK, it’s not been easy (for the most part it’s been bloody hard, especially over the past couple of months) but I think it’s something I can focus on, an anniversary which is positive and something to look forward to. I just need to make it 2 years then! Hence, I don’t think anti-depressants are that useful in this situation.
The other option, of course, is counselling. I did try that at the beginning of this year (January-April) and started to feel good by the end of it. However, I didn’t find the sessions that useful; in fact I found them very awkward and stressful. Though I think what was making me feel better was the fact that it was turning into Summer, the days were getting longer, brighter and warmer. It’s things like this which make me wonder if I suffer from some form of Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD). I know self-diagnoses aren’t good and are probably quite inaccurate but given how I seem to be getting quite depressed around Christmas, it surely could be something related?
See, this is why I’m annoyed that the GP just stuck me on these pills without considering anything else. I’m very tempted to make an appointment next week when I have the time and discuss the merit of taking them. Given my disappointment with the entire situation, I’ve yet to start on the course of drugs so going ‘cold turkey’ off them isn’t a problem to worry about. What IS a worry, however, is the published list of side effects. Most of them are quite rare but there’s a significant number of side effects in the “very common” and “frequent” sections such as nausea, eyesight issues, loss of sleep (it’s bad enough as it is), diarrhoea, etc, etc, etc. Significantly enough to concern me at least.
I was chatting to a good friend of mine who studies Chemistry (I think!) and comes into contact with these drugs on a regular basis. She was explaining that SAD is due to a lack of serotonin in the brain (though some theories think it could be melotonin) and hence the anti-depressants would do me some good - Citalopram is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and would somehow increase the flow of serotonin to the right parts of my brain.
But then this links straight back round to my original argument. I don’t want to be on drugs to solve the symptom, I want (or at least would like) someone to medically recognise my condition and make a reasoned decision based upon that about drugs to give me, if it so happens I need medication to manage my condition. I can theorise all I like about this here, but it needs discussing with a medical professional.
I’m hoping this is a reasoned argument. Perhaps it’s quite biased one way or the other, perhaps someone needs to tell me to shut up and just obediently take the drugs, I don’t know.
Either way, I’ve got work now so I’m going!