9
It’s 02:04 on Tuesday Jan 9th 2007 as I begin to write this post. I can’t sleep tonight and my whole body just aches for some reason.
In a sweeping generalisation, suffering from depression is a bit like how I expect schizophrenia to be. It’s not to say I know what it is like, it’s not to say I might be right at all, but all I know is how I feel. When I’m up, I tend to be very optimistic to things such as going back to University (this coming Saturday). I always want to blog and I write in my head. I write, I read it back to myself and I re-draft it somehow. I never actually get to write it down in case it brings me down with it. When I am up, I tend to be a lot more sociable, I tend to get up early and get to sleep well.
Conversely, when I’m down I tend to be very negative about things. Even though I do feel able to blog without it going round in my head, I never feel I manage to get my points across properly. When I’m down I think of all the negative things about going back; I think about dropping out or intentionally failing exams to force me out. I tend to be more wrapped up in myself, less open, less able to act in social situations and I have a nasty tendency to get myself into serious trouble this way.
This “split mind” theory is something that’s been floating around in my head lately and I’m not entirely sure if it’s correct for me to make such a generalisation.
I’m not going to mention anything medical here - it’s in everybody’s best interests for now.
I need to get some sleep. Still not tired though…