Blogphen

My entire life I’ve been bullied for a number of reasons. Many include my physical appearance (large lower jaw) and due to my achievements such as gaining access to NAGTY and Mensa. As a result I’ve generally been depressed, stressed and messed about.

This came to a climax in years 10 and 11 when due to the added stress of GCSEs, combined with daily verbal abuse (I have very rarely been physically bullied; that’s never been an issue), I began to self-harm. At first it was just the odd cut on my wrist but over the months it escalated into widespread wounds all across my body.

The past 2 years at college have been brilliant - most people have actually respected me for who I am. As a result the cutting, for the most part, stopped.

Recently, my stress levels have been steadily rising, most notably due to the fact that I’m about to go off to Uni soon. I don’t know the area, I don’t know any of the people and I’ve never been faced with looking after myself for so long. However, this has not immediately been the cause of the panic attacks I’ve been receiving.

An IRC channel I frequent has recently been giving me the same feelings of bullying I suffered 2+ years ago. Things such as banning me from the group for reasons which are out of my control (dodgy connection causing me to connect and disconnect) as well as verbal attacks on me from some members of the group regarding my operation.

As a result of bringing these feelings back, combined with the extra stress, I’ve unfortunately just buckled. Every time something like this happens I get a panic attack. Shortness of breath, trembling, the onset of my depression and an overwhelming need just to get away. I’ve even had the thoughts of self-harm running through my head again but thankfully it hasn’t come to that yet. That said, if this carries on I’ll just end up back in the same spiral as before.

So, I know when I’m not wanted. “Shell”, “KTremain” and “Caz” have all made it pretty clear now. Next time I sign in I will go and ban myself from the system so that I’m not troubling them any longer. I just don’t know what else there is to do. I can’t carry on like this.