Right, I actually wanted to finish that blog post yesterday but I didn’t get any chance… :(

So, to quickly bring you up to date:

  • The builders finally left on Thursday afternoon (almost a week after they were meant to be finished…) and straight after they’d gone I went last minute shopping for everything I thought I’d need for uni. Nothing like a quick rush, eh? ;-)
  • Yesterday I went shopping for a load of stuff I managed to think about overnight. Went into Beeston to Wilko and took one look at the number of Nottm Uni students and took a bus straight back out of there, headed for Long Eaton! Completely didn’t occur to me that they started on the Thursday so most of them would be descending on the closest town to the campus to buy stuff!
  • Also yesterday went to Matalan for the third day in a row, to purchase what can best be described as eveningwear, despite not knowing what one is meant to wear on nights out (having not been the kind of person who goes out clubbing every night).
  • On Wednesday I did my last shift at Barnardo’s. Wouldn’t have been so bad but we had the area manager in, Lorna [not the Lorna who reads this, but then I guess you know you’re not an area manager!]. Had seen her before at the volunteering conference and had thought she seemed a bit ignorant but nothing quite prepared me for how much of a bitch she is! I was helping Cathy out with the computer and she barged in the office, back to me and just cut me off mid sentence to pretend she knew what she was talking about… Still, it was emotional as I hate goodbyes! Actually cried on the Commuter Xprss home - not something I’ve ever done before!
  • Today I bugger off to Swansea. Considering I’ve been to three NAGTY Summer Schools before, you’d think I’d be an old hand at all this! But still I find myself excreting fired clay oblongs (I know you don’t like that expression Lorna but never mind :P) and getting nervous and not knowing what to expect!
    Still, Uni is going to be very different from NAGTY in that I won’t have RAs looking over my shoulder all the time, watching me to make sure I don’t do anything wrong!

So, there we have it. Any updates from now for a while will most probably be made from my phone (shoe!) or my PDA as I won’t have much Internet access until I’ve enrolled, signed up for ITS, received my library card, waited in queues for several hours and eaten a cheese sandwich! :P

Anyway, good luck to all those leaving for uni today (Jason, amongst others) and those in the coming week (Lorna again ;)) - I’m sure you’ll be just as nervous as I am :)

[edit] Ubuntu (our mouse) was fine. We took her to the vet, expecting to have her put down but he said it’s just a cyst. He gave us some cream and told us to come back on Tuesday and either he’d have to operate (unlikely) or we’d just get some different cream to apply to it and it’d slowly go down. Tae was over the moon when we didn’t bring the poor mouse back in a box! :)

It’s tomorrow. Tomorrow I depart from the area I prefer to call Nottingham, a city whose various suburbs I have called home for the past eighteen years. I will arrive some three hours and twenty-five minutes later (if our good friend Tommy is to be trusted) in the Welsh town of Swansea, in fact a city with one of the UK’s largest universities in it.

And I’m fucking nervous! So far I’ve read a few online things from people going to Swansea and they all seem far too up for partying and such! I’m not that kind of person (prefer just to be in the pub, really ;-) ) and it looks like with Freshers’ week, I’m not going to have much of an option! Mind you, I s’pose there’s a chance there may be others just as nervous and shy as me. [OK, a lot of people who read this would certainly not put me down as being shy but I just lock up in social situations where I don’t actually know anybody!]

I really, really, really, hope that Swansea have actually sorted my application out now. I’m not going to go into it but suffice to say the accommodation office is about as reliable as the Child Support Agency! I got an email the other night giving me directions to the campus so I can only guess that it means everything went through happily. I bloody well hope so, anyway!

Still, today is my last full day in Nottingham. Today I need to blog, I need to write instructions for my sister about managing the server, I need to purchase shirts for going out with, I need to put Ubuntu (our mouse) down, I need to purchase a cheese grater, potato masher and other such items, I need to……..

Well, hello all! I’ll warn you in advance - this is going to be a long one, and perhaps even a ranty one in places!

Where to start? At the start of the day, I guess! Yesterday, as previously mentioned, I attended the Barnardo’s volunteer conference at the Warwick Racecourse. So on Sunday night I set my alarm for 0630 so I’d have time to get a 7am bus. However, when I got up at 0600, suddenly realising I’d mistakenly pressed ‘0′ instead of ‘3′, I wasn’t too pleased! Anyway, got up and checked the bus times and so I realised I was better off getting up at 6 than half past! Sauntered out to the bus at 6:40, inevitably wandering down the street and seeing a bus go flying past. Anyway, caught the next one and I was on my way!

Got to Barnardo’s in plenty of time and proceeded to wait for the minibus and some of my colleagues to turn up. Met a girl called Lucy who’d been working there about a year longer than me but despite my almost 2 years there, I’d never met her before! Was quite a nice girl to get to know, although a shame she’s going to Leeds in a week and I’m going to Swansea in 2 weeks… :( As for the minibus journey there, I think “hellish” is just a *little* bit of an understatement. The M1 was packed solid from where we joined it at J24 all the way down to J21, where all traffic was being forced off the carriageway for what I believe is roadworks. Anyway, thankfully this is the junction we wanted to get off at for Warwick so we weren’t too much at a loss.

On the way down it was atrocious! The gantry VM signs were all showing a speed limit of 40MPH but to be honest, it was a miracle the odd times we could actually reach that speed! Managed to get up to speed once we reached the M69 and down towards Warwick.

When we finally got there I had a fantastic day. There were three seminars of which each person could attend two. In the morning I chose the “Opportunities for Young People”, which is essentially what this conference was based around. In the afternoon, I went to “Old and New”, which was a talk from two local people about their experience of being looked after by the charity. One was an elderly woman (who likes to be known as a “Barnardo’s Old Girl”) who went through one of Dr. Barnardo’s orphanages many moons ago (just after World War II). Was very informative and some of the things she said were very moving. I found out she volunteers at the Alfreton shop (sort of North Nottinghamshire but on the Derbyshire side!) so I plan to take a bus ride up there at some point and say hello.

Had a good day there, including a free lunch! Can’t complain about that though - had some beautiful vegetable lasagne and a very nice white & milk chocolate cake thingy at the end! After the meal though, we got chatting to some people outside the Nottingham shop group including an old couple from Edinburgh, the reason of whose presence at the venue I never quite managed to figure out. Anyway, the man was a bit odd - he started talking about how they’d released a new Robin Hood film when we mentioned that we were from Nottingham. He then proceeded to ask who I’d play in the film, the “good guy” or the “bad guy”. Then, he did something amazingly typical of strange old men and say something to Lucy along the lines of “You’re sat next to a wise man. He evidently knows a good thing when he sees it. He’s been talking to you in an animated fashion for the last hour and I know his mind wasn’t on Barnardo’s”! At that point I just didn’t really want to be there and also thought that if I ever turn out like that, just put me down humanely ;)

Of course, did very little to hamper the rest of the day and the journey back home, which while still getting stuck in queues in the Nottingham rush hour, wasn’t too unpleasant. Well, that was in the minibus back to Nottingham. The bus journey from there was a bit worse! Got on the Commuter Xprss as normal and everything was alright up as far as the QMC. There the traffic became pretty much stuck. Everyone was queueing up on the roundabout to get onto Derby Road up towards the A52 and it looked horrendous! That was when I noticed the flashing blue lights and the awful scene. It took 10 mins to finally get far enough up the road to pass the accident. From what I could see a black car had ploughed into the back of a Nottingham-bound Rainbow 4 at what must have been some speed. The R4 looked like it was pulling in to stop at University North when it hit and the car’s bonnet was literally non-existent; it was almost level with the windscreen. Next thing I noticed was the stretcher and this guy who wasn’t moving, covered with blood being put into the back of an ambulance. Not the kind of thing I wanted to see on a Monday evening (nor at any time, to be honest!). The CX driver, having been the first out of the QMC (another R4 behind) had to let all the buses trying to get in towards Nottingham that the road was completely closed. He kept stopping to let a gap develop between us and the cars in front and let all the buses turn round (well, all the buses from that company, anyway) and going along the road we had a convoy of turquoise, green and red buses! ;)

Anyway, after finally getting home later on, I was annoyed to see that the builders had been in and had been playing with the electricity. Of course, nobody told me they’d be messing with that (I assumed they were just going to replace the kitchen units in a straightforward manner) so the server didn’t get a very clean shutdown. Of course, I came home and turned it straight back on and all was good. For a while, anyway…! Earlier in the day they’d moved the fridges and freezers to a different place in the kitchen and as a result seemed to have damaged the freezer. Every so often the RCCB thingy would randomly decide that the freezer was drawing too much current and would, for safety, turn EVERYTHING in the house off (bar lights and smoke alarms, of course). However, this meant that the server kept getting turned off sans a safe shutdown and it even caused my sister to lose 4 hours of work in the form of her English essay. At this point I went down to investigate. Having completely isolated the circuit called “Sockets (Kitchen)”, the electricians had wired up a temporary socket and plugged the fridges and freezers into it. When I looked carefully, they’d wired the appliances up to the cooker circuit which by its very nature allows much more current to be drawn than a traditional 3-pronged British outlet. So at that point I decided “nooo, this isn’t a very good idea” so got a long extension and plugged the appliances in there. The second I plugged our smaller freezer in, the RCCB switch flicked. The fridge and our other fridge/freezer in one unit were all fine so I was forced to leave the small freezer turned well and truly off. Of course, given that decision (at least it left the electricity and server on and kept some food cold), I woke up to a big puddle of water on the kitchen floor this morning. Not the best thing but I didn’t have much of an option!

Anyway, the builders are back this mourning and at least they told me when the elec was going to be turned off. I believe something’s now been sorted so I intend to switch the server back on and let you read this long and meandering post! ;)

One thing that concerned me just a little over the past week or so is the death of Steve Irwin. The man was, agreeing with just about everyone else on this issue, a legend. He made wrestling crocs and dangling poisonous snakes upside down a worldwide craze. He successfully encouraged youngsters everywhere to start doing stupid things like that too!

More seriously, though - the one thing I can’t believe is how much mourning happened for him. Even in the UK there were messages all over various forums, instant messaging protocols and in Usenet all saying how sad it was. Yes, he was a man everybody could relate to in his shows but was he really all people make him out to be? In his shows he often proceeded to aggravate and harass animals unnecessarily. He would, for example, be in the Australian outback and he’d come across a deadly poisonous snake. What is the one thing anybody with a brain would do? Avoid it like the plague, of course. Irwin, however, proceeded to annoy it by picking it up and dangling it upside down for 5 minutes. His shows raise a lot of questions about potential cruelty to animals and his treatment of them.

Not only did the above annoy me but I was reading through the Metro (granted, not the mose unbiased paper in the world given that it’s partly owned by the Daily Mail!) and there was a small section in the bottom left hand corner of one page about the death of one of Britain’s soldiers and how there might be an inquest into it and then a two-page spread about the death of Irwin. Not completely fair in my opinion!

Anyway, rant over! In other news, I figured the other day that I may miss Nottingham. Granted, for the first few weeks I’ll be fine and it’ll probably feel like Summer School but having not been away from home for more than 3 weeks, I may get a bit homesick at some point! It’s not as if it’s too easy to get back, anyway - even with a Railcard it’s £50 open return to Nottingham. Mind you, it’d work out cheaper to catch a local coach service from Swansea to Cardiff Central and use one of Central’s offers to get to Nottingham. It’d be a much more painful journey though!

I now have just less than two weeks left in Nottinghamshire - I will move into accommodation on either the 23rd or 24th of September. I’m still awaiting confirmation though! :(

This coming week we will be having builders in to ruin the kitchen and then fix it again. Basically, we’re getting a new kitchen installed and for free too - this is what complaining to the head of customer relations at the housing association does! :D However, this does mean that the kitchen needs to be emptied and the house completely tidied. Not fun, I assure you!

Also this week (tomorrow, in fact), I will be making my way towards Warwick Racecourse. The yearly volunteering conference is being held there and my manager at Barnardo’s managed to get me a last minute place on it. She forgot that I missed last year’s due to a maths exam I had. Technically, I could have made it to Kegworth (in Leicestershire, a local bus goes there) and caught the bus back to sit my exam on time. However, it seemed a better idea at the time to actually stay at home and revise for it. Not as many people are going to this one but as it’s so far away they’re sharing a minibus with some volunteers from Alfreton. Better than catching the train, anyway - apparently it’s Nottingham > Birmingham then Brum > Coventry, Cov to Leamington Spa then Leam > Warwick. Not much fun is that! ;)

Anyway, this post is long enough to keep you busy until I next update!

I suppose I can only really thank you for your honesty.

What you said came as a bit of a shock to me, really. I know that what I had to say in the Pit and Pendulum shocked you a little but in all honesty all of that is shrouded in uncertainty in my mind.

I’m certainly flattered, to say the least! It’s nice to know that even though I’ve never really been considered “attractive” in my life (as far as I’ve been aware), you had the honesty (or perhaps the lack of sobriety) to give me a boost of self-confidence I’ve needed for a long time.

However, you have put me in a bit of a difficult situation. The most obvious issue is that you’re married. While I’m flattered by your offer, you’ve got to understand that you have your own interests to worry about and I really couldn’t get involved. There’s also the issue that I’m leaving in 3 weeks for University. I’m not the kind of person to want one-night stands (which realistically is a case of necessity, not choice!) but I just don’t think it’d be right. I’m still waiting for “the right person”.

Once again, thank you for your honesty. As I say, your offer came as a bit of a surprise to me and although it’s very nice to know that somebody thinks of me that way, I’m going to have to decline. Sorry.

My entire life I’ve been bullied for a number of reasons. Many include my physical appearance (large lower jaw) and due to my achievements such as gaining access to NAGTY and Mensa. As a result I’ve generally been depressed, stressed and messed about.

This came to a climax in years 10 and 11 when due to the added stress of GCSEs, combined with daily verbal abuse (I have very rarely been physically bullied; that’s never been an issue), I began to self-harm. At first it was just the odd cut on my wrist but over the months it escalated into widespread wounds all across my body.

The past 2 years at college have been brilliant - most people have actually respected me for who I am. As a result the cutting, for the most part, stopped.

Recently, my stress levels have been steadily rising, most notably due to the fact that I’m about to go off to Uni soon. I don’t know the area, I don’t know any of the people and I’ve never been faced with looking after myself for so long. However, this has not immediately been the cause of the panic attacks I’ve been receiving.

An IRC channel I frequent has recently been giving me the same feelings of bullying I suffered 2+ years ago. Things such as banning me from the group for reasons which are out of my control (dodgy connection causing me to connect and disconnect) as well as verbal attacks on me from some members of the group regarding my operation.

As a result of bringing these feelings back, combined with the extra stress, I’ve unfortunately just buckled. Every time something like this happens I get a panic attack. Shortness of breath, trembling, the onset of my depression and an overwhelming need just to get away. I’ve even had the thoughts of self-harm running through my head again but thankfully it hasn’t come to that yet. That said, if this carries on I’ll just end up back in the same spiral as before.

So, I know when I’m not wanted. “Shell”, “KTremain” and “Caz” have all made it pretty clear now. Next time I sign in I will go and ban myself from the system so that I’m not troubling them any longer. I just don’t know what else there is to do. I can’t carry on like this.